It wasn’t the cancer.
It wasn’t the surgery.
It was Loneliness.
It first showed up as
“I don’t have a partner to be with me at the hospital.”
After the surgery,
After being cut open,
part of my colon removed,
sewed back together,
put under anesthesia
and given heavy drugs,
told to take it easy,
to not drive,
to not work, (no income, no sick pay and worries about no insurance in the future)
restrict your food,
stay hooked up to an oxygen tank.
No one to be with me in this condition--
at my most vulnerable.
What if I just feel it?
So I did.
I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
Images arose and I sobbed.
Here I am at my worst that can happen scenario:
old, not “healthy”, not able to work or care for myself (I thought)
and all alone
so what if the worst that can happen is that you just feel this?
(Which I am doing.)
I am doing it.
I am just feeling it.
I can do this.
who would you be without that thought,
“I am alone”?
and it all ceased.
It all simply ceased.
all the pain,
all the sadness,
all the guilt,
all the unworthiness,
all the sorrow,
all the helplessness,
all the neediness,
all the images,
all the comparison,
all the fearful projection into the future
all the separation
Without that thought
not a thing,
Words can’t touch it.
A life time of pain of this thought/image…
in a instant.
I did The Work with a mother today suffering from guilt from the belief
"I am not taking care of my child.”
I could really find myself there.
(I don’t know if there is any situation
that can cause more guilt for a parent
than suicide of their child).
The underlying belief is
"People need me."
I got to see really clearly the self importance in this thought.
The SELF IMPORTANCE OF GUILT.
It’s all my fault.
Me me me
Arrogance…All about me.
I’m so valuable, so necessary
for another’s well being.
People are not ok without ME,
People are deprived without MY love, and MY actions...
I’m SO special. Irreplaceable.
I’m so powerful, so important.
People need me.
As a mother we sure would like to think so. (What do I get from believing that?)
We get to “be needed”!
And the world will tell us it is so!
As partners, employees, volunteers, business owners,
service providers, friends, sisters, daughters, citizens…
we sure would like to think so…
How do I react when I believe that thought?
He needs me
(and I am not there for him…)
I can’t function,
I shut down,
I’m very confused,
and that reinforces and multiplies the guilt I’m feeling.
creating more “proof” it's REALLY TRUE.
Oh the self importance!!!
Taking credit for everything good
and everything bad…
I fail to see the other person's strength
and inner resources.
I fail to see that they are actually ok
in that moment
no matter what the situation is
aside from what they are believing and thinking…
(“anarchy to the ego” as Katie has expressed it)
I fail to see they are on their own trajectory.
They have a path of their own
and every rock and star is for them.
I fail to see I am not the cause of their path
or at least I fail to see that I have no proof that I am the cause.
I fail to see that no thing should be different--
that it NEEDS to BE exactly as it is.
I fail to see that any “image”
of an “ideal” is a myth.
Without that thought, "He needs me,"
I see I’m a bit player (and not even that!)
not the heroine or the villain.
I watch the grace,
of what is
What a relief!
How else would people find they are capable and strong
or simply experience the pain from their beliefs.
How can I truly know what anyone else needs--
what anyone else’s path should look like?
Without that thought
I am available if asked for assistance
and in the meantime
Aside from what you are thinking and believing in this moment
are you ok?
Aside from what another person is believing and thinking
are they ok?
So grateful for this question.
And this isn’t about condoning
anything I’ve done
or haven’t done
or getting off “scott free”
or not taking responsibility,
or not making amends
or doing The Work to not feel guilty…
Guilt is a beautiful thing.
It definitely gets my attention
and calls me to look inside
and find an error.
It can show me where I am not consistent in my actions and my values.
But what my feeling guilt doesn’t do
is prove that anyone else was hurt
or damaged irretrievably.
Guilt prohibits me from ever considering
that my action had no effect at all
or that this person is actually BETTER OFF
and right on track
because of my action or inaction.
Guilt damns any hope of a friendly universe.
Guilt puts a veil over it and blinds me to it.
What this is about
is simply being willing to look closer--
to take a peek behind the veil.
Guilt is a curtain.
It’s not an immovable wall.
it’s not the actual show.
What do you get for believing others need you?
In a friendly universe how could it be a gift to them
that you are not there for them?
And while you’re looking maybe you’ll find that you
were there after all
doing the very best you could
given what you were believing.
Love and gratitude,
I love sitting in the questions, and seeing what arises. Writing it down slows my mind...