It wasn’t the cancer.
It wasn’t the surgery. It was Loneliness. It first showed up as “I don’t have a partner to be with me at the hospital.” Then After the surgery, After being cut open, part of my colon removed, sewed back together, put under anesthesia and given heavy drugs, told to take it easy, to not drive, to not work, (no income, no sick pay and worries about no insurance in the future) restrict your food, stay hooked up to an oxygen tank. Worse. Loneliness. No one to be with me in this condition-- at my most vulnerable. What if I just feel it? So I did. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Images arose and I sobbed. Here I am at my worst that can happen scenario: old, not “healthy”, not able to work or care for myself (I thought) and all alone a failure, a loser so what if the worst that can happen is that you just feel this? (Which I am doing.) I am doing it. I am just feeling it. I can do this. And then who would you be without that thought, “I am alone”? and it all ceased. It all simply ceased. all the pain, all the sadness, all the guilt, all the unworthiness, all the sorrow, all the helplessness, all the neediness, all the images, all the comparison, all the fearful projection into the future all the separation Without that thought no problem literally restored, redeemed whole, not a thing, nameless, don’t know literally, Words can’t touch it. A miracle. A life time of pain of this thought/image… vanished in a instant. Hi Friends,
I did The Work with a mother today suffering from guilt from the belief "I am not taking care of my child.” I could really find myself there. (I don’t know if there is any situation that can cause more guilt for a parent than suicide of their child). The underlying belief is "People need me." I got to see really clearly the self importance in this thought. The SELF IMPORTANCE OF GUILT. It’s all my fault. Me me me Arrogance…All about me. I’m so valuable, so necessary for another’s well being. People are not ok without ME, People are deprived without MY love, and MY actions... I’m SO special. Irreplaceable. I’m so powerful, so important. People need me. As a mother we sure would like to think so. (What do I get from believing that?) We get to “be needed”! And the world will tell us it is so! As partners, employees, volunteers, business owners, service providers, friends, sisters, daughters, citizens… we sure would like to think so… How do I react when I believe that thought? He needs me (and I am not there for him…) I can’t function, I shut down, I’m very confused, and that reinforces and multiplies the guilt I’m feeling. creating more “proof” it's REALLY TRUE. Oh the self importance!!! Taking credit for everything good and everything bad… I fail to see the other person's strength and inner resources. I fail to see that they are actually ok in that moment no matter what the situation is aside from what they are believing and thinking… (“anarchy to the ego” as Katie has expressed it) I fail to see they are on their own trajectory. They have a path of their own and every rock and star is for them. Literally. I fail to see I am not the cause of their path or at least I fail to see that I have no proof that I am the cause. I fail to see that no thing should be different-- that it NEEDS to BE exactly as it is. I fail to see that any “image” of an “ideal” is a myth. Without that thought, "He needs me," I see I’m a bit player (and not even that!) not the heroine or the villain. I watch the grace, the flow of what is WITHOUT ALTERNATIVE. What a relief! How else would people find they are capable and strong or simply experience the pain from their beliefs. How can I truly know what anyone else needs-- what anyone else’s path should look like? Without that thought I am available if asked for assistance and in the meantime let’s play! Aside from what you are thinking and believing in this moment are you ok? Aside from what another person is believing and thinking are they ok? So grateful for this question. And this isn’t about condoning anything I’ve done or haven’t done or getting off “scott free” or not taking responsibility, or not making amends or doing The Work to not feel guilty… Guilt is a beautiful thing. It definitely gets my attention and calls me to look inside and find an error. It can show me where I am not consistent in my actions and my values. But what my feeling guilt doesn’t do is prove that anyone else was hurt or damaged irretrievably. Guilt prohibits me from ever considering that my action had no effect at all or that this person is actually BETTER OFF and right on track because of my action or inaction. Guilt damns any hope of a friendly universe. Guilt puts a veil over it and blinds me to it. What this is about is simply being willing to look closer-- to take a peek behind the veil. Guilt is a curtain. It’s not an immovable wall. it’s not the actual show. What do you get for believing others need you? In a friendly universe how could it be a gift to them that you are not there for them? And while you’re looking maybe you’ll find that you were there after all doing the very best you could given what you were believing. Love and gratitude, Joy |
Joy Schultz
I love sitting in the questions, and seeing what arises. Writing it down slows my mind... Archives
July 2018
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