Loneliness

It wasn’t the cancer.
It wasn’t the surgery.
It was Loneliness.

It first showed up as
“I don’t have a partner to be with me at the hospital.”

Then
After the surgery,
After being cut open,
part of my colon removed,
sewed back together,
put under anesthesia
and given heavy drugs,
told to take it easy,
to not drive,
to not work, (no income, no sick pay and worries about no insurance in the future)
restrict your food,
stay hooked up to an oxygen tank.

Worse.
Loneliness.
No one to be with me in this condition--
at my most vulnerable.

What if I just feel it?
So I did.

I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
Images arose and I sobbed.

Here I am at my worst that can happen scenario:
old, not “healthy”, not able to work or care for myself (I thought)
and all alone

a failure,
a loser
​
so what if the worst that can happen is that you just feel this?
(Which I am doing.)

I am doing it.
I am just feeling it.
I can do this.

And then
who would you be without that thought,
“I am alone”?

and it all ceased.

It all simply ceased.
all the pain,
all the sadness,
all the guilt,
all the unworthiness,
all the sorrow,
all the helplessness,
all the neediness,
all the images,
all the comparison,
all the fearful projection into the future

all the separation

Without that thought 
no problem

literally

restored,
redeemed
whole,
not a thing,
nameless,
don’t know

literally,
Words can’t touch it.

A miracle.

A life time of pain of this thought/image…
vanished
in a instant.