I’d like to share a recent experience seeing clearly the insanity of guilt and “attack”.
Attack doesn’t work.
It’s that simple.
Attack is an insane belief that “if I hurt someone they will love me
(give me what I think I want).”
Guilt doesn’t work. It paralyzes. It does not support and strengthen and empower.
It’s not that you shouldn’t judge.
It’s that it’s an insane idea that tells you it will do the exact opposite of what it really does.
In the last six months my ex-husband has struggled with attempting to file a qualified domestic relations order and complete the paperwork for us to divide up our finances as stated in the separation agreement. Time after time after time it hasn’t happened—appointments, phone calls, emails…cancelled, postponed, put off…
He finally came over to my house about two months ago to beg my forgiveness and take me up on any support I could offer him. We made a list. Things happened. He was going to check in with me and report. And then nothing happened again.
Two weeks went by after he promised action that didn’t happen.
In the meantime, I did The Work on fears about losing money, about missing out on opportunities, losing my retirement…and investigating what true security is and “where” it is.
(This was MY work).
After the last inaction I sent him an email:
What would he have to be believing to cancel that appointment, to put work first…?
What did he value? What was his integrity? I invited him to please contemplate deeply.
I shared that this was a big deal to me and if he really wanted to make a difference in one person’s life,
I was a person.
He wrote back a few days later.
“I am often plagued by inertia, by a crippling indecisiveness. I muster the energy to do the things I must do to keep my job and many other things fall by the wayside. And yes, you are right, this includes my obligations to you.
I am extremely sorry for state of affairs. It does wrack me with guilt to think that I have caused this distress to you. In many ways, I feel as if I have ruined your life, and the sooner I can finish this task the sooner you can move on without reference to me. “
I wrote back:
Thank you for your candid and honest response.
One thing I do not want to do is to add to your feelings of guilt.
And I meant it.
Guilt paralyzes.
I’ve seen it in myself.
I’ve witnessed it in clients over and over and over.
Guilt does not work.
It does not get you what you want.
Attack will never get you what you really want.
Who can really serve you better when they are shot full of holes?
Only support is sane.
I ended my response with:
“I feel a lot of compassion for you. I hear how difficult this is for you.
AND PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I CAN SUPPORT YOU IN ANY WAY.”
And I meant it.
My first reaction to his continued inaction (after six months) was not peaceful.
Yet it didn’t take me long to see that arguing with reality was not going to help anything
in anyway. Yes. Another day, another week, another month had gone by, six months…
and the only sane response was to offer support in whatever way I could.
To tell a paralyzed mind it should not be paralyzed is insane.
What would love do?
What would love do?
What would love do?
The only sanity.
He’s been over twice this week. Making phone calls, emails, getting instructions.
Together. With my full support.
He is so innocent.
If he could have done it differently he would have.
He’s always done the very best that he can.
And my true security does not lie in money.
I am so grateful for this opportunity,
to so clearly see that guilt is insane
and does not work.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to live this.
(I am in no way am implying anyone else should deal with their own situation
in any particular way. I am just incredibly grateful to be able to have this clarity and
to live it and if it supports anyone in anyway, wonderful.)
It supports me to share and give thanks.
Attack doesn’t work.
It’s that simple.
Attack is an insane belief that “if I hurt someone they will love me
(give me what I think I want).”
Guilt doesn’t work. It paralyzes. It does not support and strengthen and empower.
It’s not that you shouldn’t judge.
It’s that it’s an insane idea that tells you it will do the exact opposite of what it really does.
In the last six months my ex-husband has struggled with attempting to file a qualified domestic relations order and complete the paperwork for us to divide up our finances as stated in the separation agreement. Time after time after time it hasn’t happened—appointments, phone calls, emails…cancelled, postponed, put off…
He finally came over to my house about two months ago to beg my forgiveness and take me up on any support I could offer him. We made a list. Things happened. He was going to check in with me and report. And then nothing happened again.
Two weeks went by after he promised action that didn’t happen.
In the meantime, I did The Work on fears about losing money, about missing out on opportunities, losing my retirement…and investigating what true security is and “where” it is.
(This was MY work).
After the last inaction I sent him an email:
What would he have to be believing to cancel that appointment, to put work first…?
What did he value? What was his integrity? I invited him to please contemplate deeply.
I shared that this was a big deal to me and if he really wanted to make a difference in one person’s life,
I was a person.
He wrote back a few days later.
“I am often plagued by inertia, by a crippling indecisiveness. I muster the energy to do the things I must do to keep my job and many other things fall by the wayside. And yes, you are right, this includes my obligations to you.
I am extremely sorry for state of affairs. It does wrack me with guilt to think that I have caused this distress to you. In many ways, I feel as if I have ruined your life, and the sooner I can finish this task the sooner you can move on without reference to me. “
I wrote back:
Thank you for your candid and honest response.
One thing I do not want to do is to add to your feelings of guilt.
And I meant it.
Guilt paralyzes.
I’ve seen it in myself.
I’ve witnessed it in clients over and over and over.
Guilt does not work.
It does not get you what you want.
Attack will never get you what you really want.
Who can really serve you better when they are shot full of holes?
Only support is sane.
I ended my response with:
“I feel a lot of compassion for you. I hear how difficult this is for you.
AND PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I CAN SUPPORT YOU IN ANY WAY.”
And I meant it.
My first reaction to his continued inaction (after six months) was not peaceful.
Yet it didn’t take me long to see that arguing with reality was not going to help anything
in anyway. Yes. Another day, another week, another month had gone by, six months…
and the only sane response was to offer support in whatever way I could.
To tell a paralyzed mind it should not be paralyzed is insane.
What would love do?
What would love do?
What would love do?
The only sanity.
He’s been over twice this week. Making phone calls, emails, getting instructions.
Together. With my full support.
He is so innocent.
If he could have done it differently he would have.
He’s always done the very best that he can.
And my true security does not lie in money.
I am so grateful for this opportunity,
to so clearly see that guilt is insane
and does not work.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to live this.
(I am in no way am implying anyone else should deal with their own situation
in any particular way. I am just incredibly grateful to be able to have this clarity and
to live it and if it supports anyone in anyway, wonderful.)
It supports me to share and give thanks.
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