February 15 was the first day of a Teleclass I am offering called Ending The War on Death. I wanted to share a piece of inquiry that was really powerful for me.
(What if death is here all the time?! the backdrop, the background...)
Joy's jyn on death
Situation: I watched and heard a video of Mary Neal's experience of death.
Present! - Mary Neal's Near-Death Experience
1. I am angry at death (the beauty, love, feeling of welcome home as described by Mary Neal) because
you/it is not available to me now.You are hiding. You are separate from me. You only share yourself with other people.
2. I want you to share your beauty and freedom with me now.
3. You shouldn't hide, appear only to other people, expose yourself for only short times. You shouldn't be a momentary pleasure.
You shouldn't be separate and distant.
4. I need you to give me a peek, to reassure me, to let me feel the Love, to be available to me at any time,
to never leave me(my awareness)
5. You are partial, unfair, not enough, taunting, elusive, cruel, hearsay.
6. I don't ever want to be left out again.
I don't ever want to just have to experience it through someone else again.
I don't ever want to have to wait for such Love.
"You/death are not available to me now."
1. Is it true? no
3. How do I react when I believe that thought?
I feel left out, like a little kid not getting picked for a team.
I feel sad, angry at God/Reality, depressed, deprived, helpless(nothing I can do about it) powerless,
I see Life/God/Reality as cruel. I think I just have to suffer. I feel like there is nothing I can do--no control,
I want to die--to get it over with. I feel cut off, forgotten, not a priority. (Father is too busy; just wait your turn)
I see me as less than Mary Neal.
I have the image of someone getting a better Christmas present than me--jealousy.
I see people in high school wearing "better" clothes--having more money and choices, even about college). I see a girl's haircut in first grade and I want what she has.
I feel tired, drained, limited.
How do I treat death when I think that beauty/death is not available to me now?
I make death be physical.
I make death something far away, in the future.
I CREATE TIME.
I make death a thing/image/something special.
(I don't see it happening ALL THE TIME.)
what if it's here all the time?!
and I block the awareness of it, the Love,
with this thought/belief?
this feels truer.
I blind me to its presence/being.
I block the safety of it.
How do i treat "me" when I believe that thought?
"i" make "me" real--a real obstacle.
I don't see that thoughts keep "dying", leaving, passing through...over, over, over. WOW
I don't see that all thoughts are over...gone....in this moment.
i don't see there is space/death/peace between thoughts--
that there is nothing until a thought comes again.
I don't see that thoughts don't stay. No thought stays, that is passes through so quickly, that it has to be repeated to be born again.
I don't see that thoughts leave very quickly. They have a very short "life".
I don't have to wait long at all (for this beauty space of death--what i am without the identity of any thought.
I don't see that thoughts are temporary at best--if they exist at all (no proof).
I don't see that death is constant.-- over and over and over...
and I don't have to do anything to make it happen, to make thoughts go/die/pass. It's just the way of it.
I don't see that death is natural. I can just sit and watch.
I need do nothing to make them(thoughts/images) go. Already gone. I am free.
I do not see the world is over....
that it's a "new world" , new beginning, new thought when I open my eyes in the morning--that I have to relabel everything every moment
to tell a story,
and I have to keep telling it/believing/proving it, 'cuz it keeps leaving, leaving, leaving.
Who's business am i in when I believe "death is not available to me now."?
I see I have no business. I'm in death's business.
I'm in the future's business.
I'm in Reality's/Grace's business--blaming, accusing, ranting.
I am not in charge of my evolution.
What do I get for believing Death/beauty isn't available to me now?
I get to keep the world of things, objects, limits--the dream world, the illusion of having something to hold on to, the illusion of something concrete.
I get hell, deprivation, a pity party, identity, to solidify, make concrete, a separate identity, false illusion of reality.
I get to suffer in hell forever, nothing better is possible.
I fail to see I'm dead to the person I was five minutes ago(not that person)--that all that, is gone/dead/over.
I fail to see I'm not that girl, woman, wife, person, thoughts, beliefs that I held in the past.
4. Who would I be without the thought "Death/beauty is not available to me now."
I see the images and story of Mary Neal are available to me now and whenever I want.
I see they are in my mind, and they only ever have been in my mind, even Mary Neal. I see if I tell
myself its in the future or somewhere else, somewhere outside of myself, it hurts. That becomes my
I see it can't be for her, not me. It is the only experience I have ever known, can ever know. She and everything she says and does is in my mind--my experience.
Without that thought I notice...isn't meditation really that (death/absence of thought/no thought/peace/beauty love)--
with eyes closed--no world, no body, no lack, no fear, no separation, no worry, no cravings, no guilt,
no shoulds, not in anybody else's business, no time, no space, wordless, free, peace.
I see my experience of "death" will be mine, not hers (she saw images of people...),
My experience will not be "past"--a memory of her experience...even that is occurring now, to me.
I see "her experience" is just another image, idol, thing, "state of mind" to get--wanting something outside me I can have, get or lose.
(i've taken a break from this inquiry and I am coming back to it now while sitting in bed before going to sleep)
Without the thought death/beauty/love is not available to me now...
I see I am going "to sleep" very soon (my head is close to nodding) and I will "lose" the entire world--I'm dying.
I see it is inevitable. I cannot stop this "falling asleep." It's here, coming. It comes every night, every "day" , evening. And it's so fine. Like physical death, I cannot stop it. No choice. I am no body when I am asleep. Thought ends. Identity ends. Good night. Good Death. And it's really OK. I am fine. It's kind. I love going to bed/death. There is no fear. No loss.
"Death/Beauty/Love is available to me now."
Without the thought that it is not available, I am at peace.
I don't need time/a future without that thought.
There is no need or want.
When I simply ask
and sit in the question (not knowing...anything)
that is death
and so beautiful,
when I notice all the thoughts are over,(they've already been thought...no new thoughts, no new life in those thoughts, no creativity, just rehashed)
that there is no proof they ever existed
and without any past/gone thoughts, I don't know who or what I am.
I have no idea,
no words for it,
without any labels,
no image (to keep up)
no past, no future
no thing else